Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
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when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer