[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
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no one likes gloating
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.