Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
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There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.