Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
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When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*