Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
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I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive