“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
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Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
True
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I identify as an antique shop.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
This meeting could have been a cake
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.