If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
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Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.