Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
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Coffee is ready.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy