I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
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I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude