Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
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A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
plums roundup
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money