*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
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Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]