The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
You Might Also Like
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi