The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
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I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Still a very good boi….
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs