I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
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*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.