I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
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My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I’m literally crying
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Muppet Screams
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken