Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
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I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
The three genders.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.