Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…ππΎπ
You Might Also Like
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first letβs talk about phrasing
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Whatβs the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you β
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, itβs over
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Not messing around
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
boomer parents will be text βcall meβ with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
ME: Iβm glad we donβt feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you donβt want to kill the spider donβt kill the spider.
ME: Itβs just SO big.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said βtell Sheila i love herβ
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.