My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
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I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Danger is very dangerous
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?