My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
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When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Hot hot hot 🥵
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Meow
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Order here:
More here:
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.