“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
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That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.