Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
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My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.