cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
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4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.