Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
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“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.