I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
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Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!