There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
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A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”