Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
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My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
congratulations to them
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.