Carpe DM
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nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Feels like the fourth month in January
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?