A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
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My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.