8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
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– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
12653.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
people who do mutinies should be called mutants