How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
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‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
The pasta is now
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.