Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
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Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck