Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
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Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless