Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
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What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Very good! 👍😂
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”