shut up and take my money
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(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Inside you there are two wolves
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Sharon I have some bad news
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT