me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
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*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Ironic
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.