I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
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Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Nomnomnomnom
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.