On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
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The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Beauty and the Beast
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague