New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
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I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
had to make it
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok