Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
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me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
So the ex texted me
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”