Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
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*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
can’t believe I got front row seats
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
i made a craigslist ad !
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?