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I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
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not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
When I said I liked it rough.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.