Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
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I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
calling in to work dehydrated
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.