nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
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Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
my professor scared me for a second
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.