My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
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If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*