Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
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Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.