*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
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[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Sunday
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.