I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
You Might Also Like
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Salad is the decaf of food.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’