I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
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Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Simple enough.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.