What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
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I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.