Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
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So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.